Dear Reader,

If you’ve opened up your social media apps this week you’ve likely seen posts from women about choosing a bear. Or maybe you’ve seen images of half a bear’s face mixed with half a man’s face and the caption speaking about how most women would choose the bear. 

What is this all about and how did our feeds become infiltrated with the woods, bears, and images of notorious serial killers?

This all started with a really simple question for women. If you were trapped in the woods, would you rather be trapped with a bear or a male stranger? Not so shockingly, the majority of answers have been a resounding “Bear” and the feedback has been an entire course in “what it looks like when the problem doesn’t even realize they are in fact the problem.”

Sorry, not sorry. 🫣

If you’re a woman who resides in most parts of the world, you won’t be shocked that most women are choosing the bear in this scenario. Honestly, you’re probably more shocked when someone chooses the man. 

And no this doesn’t mean women are men haters.

It also doesn’t mean that women think all men are predators.

Really it’s just the biggest evidence that women just feel completely unsafe pretty much ALL the time and are constantly on guard in any scenario that involves men they don’t know…and sometimes even ones they do know.

But the most fascinating thing is the comments from men on these posts. Many men are supportive and not surprised at all that women chose the bear. They seem to be awake and paying attention to the world around them and have started to realize the everyday challenges women face by just existing. We appreciate these men and need more of them.

But then you have the clueless ones who literally get offended and all on their high horses about how awful women are for choosing the bear. They can’t believe the audacity we have to choose a scary predatory animal over them. These comments are like an online show and tell of the perfect examples of why women choose the bear and the dudes completely MISS the whole point. 

Honestly, it’s fascinating to watch – yet also deeply sad. 

For those of us who have been sexually assaulted or been at the hand of unwanted touches or physical violence – reading those ignorant comments is so maddening.

I’ve thought a lot about this question because as a woman who lives in a house of all boys and men I felt a little conflicted for a moment. My first instinct was to choose the bear, but then I thought maybe I was being unfair because if it was a man like the men I live with then I’d choose the man over and over, but that wasn’t the scenario now was it? 

Nope, it’s a strange man. A man who could be everything you need in that moment when you’re trapped in the woods but on the flip side he could also be a bigger predator than a big bear would ever be. So with that in mind at the end of the day, I choose the bear.

Now let me explain why by using a recent example – but rest assured this is just small and light taste of what women experience on the daily.

The other day I was getting lunch with my 17-year-old son after taking him to his orthodontist appointment. We were in the middle of a chaotic day and needed to grab a quick bite before getting on to the next thing. My son is over 6 foot and while he isn’t built like Mike Tyson or anything, he’s a pretty good deterrent of unwanted male attention coming my way. 

However, on this particular day, it didn’t seem to deter anything.

I had just ordered our food and was heading over to fill up our drinks when two men began staring at me. One literally had to turn himself completely around in the booth to look at me. 

Now before I go any further, in my opinion, there is a flattering stare and there’s a creepy stare. A flattering stare lasts about 2 seconds and feels energetically different. It feels like a quick little compliment like a gentle “Hey she’s pretty” and then they go about their business. A creepy stare lingers, doesn’t let up, and is wrapped in a weird predatory energy that a woman can just feel from the tips of her toes to the roots of her hair. 

And this was that.

These two guys legit stared at me the entire time I’m getting our drinks, napkins etc. They weren’t even trying to hide it either. Everyone could see it. I got so uncomfortable that I was trying to place myself behind my son so they couldn’t see me but that didn’t work either.

In order to get to our table we were going to need to walk right by them and so I instantly went through the checklist of things I could do to keep myself safe and attempt to keep myself as comfortable as possible in what was quickly becoming a very ick situation. 

In a matter of seconds (because women can do this so quickly now) I make sure my drink is in my right hand in case I need to spill it on them as a distraction or something, I move my crossbody purse to the back of me to cover my butt a little so it’s not so exposed. I pull my hair forward and over my shoulders to cover up the shape of my boobs in my shirt and while we walk I make sure that I am as far from their table as possible as we pass. At the same time, I need to look unbothered and comfortable because if they know you’re uncomfortable it seems to be like handing them a permission slip to just keep staring. And heaven forbid you show them you’re upset, that’s like egging on the whole shit-show. 

So it’s head high, keep your eyes forward, walk with space between me and them, drink in the right hand, purse over butt, hair over shoulders, and go quickly.

Does this sound ridiculous? Probably.

Is it overdramatic? Maybe.

But is this the reality we women face every single day when we are forced into uncomfortable situations by merely going about our business? Abso-freaking-lutely.

We ended up at a table across the dining room and once we got our food they eventually went back to their phones but a couple of times during lunch I could feel eyes on me and looked over to see they were at it again. Caught, they just kept staring making me start to feel nauseous and uncertain.

We made quick work of lunch and got out of there and I told my son to walk behind me all the way to the car just in case we got followed out. I didn’t really think they would follow us, but my mind has to go there anyway because it’s instinct now. It’s survival. 

It’s why I pretty much refuse to go anywhere after dark alone.

Even during the day, I prefer to have one of my kids or my husband with me and if I can’t I am constantly prepared.

We are taught to not be on our phones, to hold our keys a certain way, check around our cars for things hanging off of them or tied to the door handles. Check the backseat, and lock the doors as soon as you get inside. If you get pulled over, crack the window and call the police station to verify it’s a real officer. Carry pepper spray, carry a whistle, don’t wear headphones, take a self-defense class, learn how to get out of zip ties or duct tape, don’t leave your drink unattended, wear color-changing nail polish, and dip it in your drink just to make sure. I mean the list is long. But it’s this list that we run through every single time we leave the house. It’s so normal now, half of us probably don’t even realize we do it. But the thought of being prey is always somewhere in our minds keeping us alert and on our toes. 

So why did I (and so many other women) choose the bear?

• Because we can’t go get lunch with our teenager without being looked at like we are the Sunday BBQ Special.
• Because when we walk out of the grocery store with our bags of avocados and tomatoes, dreaming of the guac we are going to eat – we are getting catcalled.
• Because too many times we’ve been out and someone has “accidentally” touched our butts or rubbed up against our chests. 
• Because society has taught us that we are only as good as our looks, that we will always be traded in for younger models, and that we are only here to be sexualized and used. 
• Because most of us have grown up with male figures who didn’t understand what it was like to be a woman, who either tried to keep us small and abandoned us emotionally, didn’t care about us at all, or covered us up and disempowered us because we were to blame for tempting men’s eyeballs. All of that showed us we couldn’t rely on them for protection emotionally, physically, or mentally. It reinforced the deepest fear women have, that we are the weakest prey in a sea of predators just waiting to get a taste. 

We choose the bear because if we are trapped in the wood with one our only choice for survival is to trust ourselves to find a way out. We know we can depend on ourselves to fight and problem-solve because that’s what we’ve been doing our whole lives. We walk with keys in our hands, purses over our butts, hair over our breasts – we make split decisions every day to keep ourselves safe and we trust that we can give ourselves the best shot with the bear. But put ourselves willingly in the ring with a strange man? Nope, we will take our chances with the bear every day of the week.

I’ve taken a lot away from this “trend” this week but the biggest takeaway is to continue to teach my boys what it means to be a woman.

To help them understand that we live very different lives and that we need good men to help us change our world and our society. That we can’t do it all alone and that we need them to speak up.

It reinforces to me that good men need to know how much they are valued and loved and how much we appreciate them for helping us move the needle forward. The good men need to know how much their support means to us. How every time they help us feel emotionally and physically safe they are breaking barriers for all women. Their contribution to breaking toxic generational patterns and ways of thinking is making this world a better and safer place for generations of women to come. We need to remind them how important it is and how much of an impact they can and are having.

As moms of boys, we have a deep responsibility and amazing privilege to raise a generation of boys who will be surrounded by female peers who will someday confidently and proudly say, “I would choose the man over the bear any day of the week.” 

That’s my goal as a mom and that is the bright future I dream of leaving to my kids, my grandkids, and my great-grandkids. 

So to the ladies who choose the bear now, your experiences, your pain, your frustrations are not in vain. I deeply believe that because of our stories and our strength and our wisdom, we will ensure that the women who come after us can always choose the man over the bear.

Until next time,