Every month I invite my community to ask me anything. Here is Part 2 of answering the submissions from June. 

Missed part 1? You can catch up here.

Let’s dive in…

How do you keep a close relationship with your teenagers?

I can only speak for sons since that is all I have but I’m very dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open and trying to listen more than I speak. 

It’s a delicate process and each kid needs a different approach based on their personality.

But for the most part, teenagers can be a little sulky and not always chomping at the bit to give more than one-word answers or give you an open ticket to the front row of their lives.

This is where you have to respect that they’ll have their secrets and things that they won’t always share and that has to be okay with you. When we meddle too much they pull back.

Allowing them to lead, allowing them to share what they want in their own time – builds trust between them and you and that’s when they’ll start to share the big, important things. 

I always tell my sons, “You don’t have to tell me right now, you can wait until you’re ready but you also don’t have to tell me at all – but if you ever do I am here for you morning or night, and here to listen if you need me.” 

Sometimes they just need to know you’re there and they want to feel like you trust them enough to make decisions about their own lives.

It’s hard to stay silent sometimes but trust me it’s the BEST thing you can ever do. 

Our kids are smarter and so much more capable than we think and allowing them to blossom is the most rewarding thing about parenting.

I’m struggling with everything right now. Got any advice?

I’m so sorry and I’m sending you so much love right now. 

I don’t know your specific struggles but I think the best thing I can tell you is to allow yourself time to simmer in the struggle. You don’t have to be positive or grow through everything. Sometimes it’s okay to just have a bad day or a bad week and do nothing but be irritated and pissed off. It’s okay to feel like a victim sometimes.

I think the most important part is that you give yourself that time, honor your feelings, and then decide that it gets to be better from here on out. It truly is a decision and when we make that decision our body and our minds can answer that call. 

But when we stuff things down and try to hide them, we just suffer longer than we need to and nothing gets resolved. 

Feel your feelings all the way, no matter the discomfort and then decide that it’s all going to get better and that you’re open to being shown the way to peace.

Remember, you are loved.

Did you ever feel lost after having kids?

Of course! 

It’s easy to lose yourself in motherhood, especially in the early years. If you have found yourself in that place, give yourself some grace because I promise you it’s the most common thing. 

To me, it’s all about re-connection with yourself.

You’re still in there, you’ve just been pushed aside because life has demanded a lot out of you, so you’re not lost, you’re just waiting to be seen again.

This comes back to making time for yourself. Start with just 15 minutes of doing something you know you love and then start doing a few new things. We change and grow often and the only way to learn more about who we are right now is by trying new things. 

Try new foods, try a new hobby, read a different genre – whatever it is, try something out of your comfort zone, and not only will you feel more alive but you’ll feel a little more connected with who you are outside of being a mom and a partner. 

You’ve been married a long time. Any tips?

Oh man so many but I think my biggest tip is “put your partner first.” Your partner always goes above your kids, always. Your kids will grow up and leave, your partner is there to stay. 

I see too many people who raise their kids and then don’t recognize their partners after the kids leave because they spend their whole lives dedicated to their kids. Don’t be that couple.

Yes, your kids are important, obviously, but your partnership is number one. Not only is this the key to staying alive but it’s also a great lesson to teach your kids about relationships. 

Relationships are hard, and if you’re together for a long time you’ll probably have at least one or two tower moments – those moments where you’re really not sure you’re going to make it. Life crumbles, your relationships crumbles and it’s all despair. 

But I think those moments teach you how to re-navigate your priorities and evaluate your life. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to last forever, and that’s okay too – but what you nurture grows and what you give attention to blooms, so make sure you’re dedicating time and energy to your partnership and that your partner is doing the same. 

I love your traditions, how do you get your family to go along with them?

Creating new traditions in our household has been a big part of our parenting goals. From football Sundays to family Halloween costumes, to brunch and movie Sundays, we have a lot of traditions. 

The point? Is to give our kids something fun to come back to when they become adults. It’s a standing invitation they’ll always have without the fanfare, a formal invite, or a big to-do. It’s safe and fun family time they can share with their partners and kids and gives us an excuse to see each other in the future. 

Because these things have been instilled since they were little the kids are pretty good sports about everything but I think also allowing them to have choices and meeting them where their interests lie helps a lot. 

As the kids have gotten older they get to help and have creative input in the Halloween costumes every year. They even get to do their own makeup and costume creation, if they want. The vision is shared now as opposed to just mine.

We love football but everyone has a different part of it they like. My third boy just loves the food so we always include fun foods for football. My oldest loves fantasy so I learned how to do fantasy and we all do that now. And the list goes on. We try to incorporate everyone’s favorites into the traditions so everyone has equal ownership of it, making it more fun for them. 

I don’t do anything that doesn’t serve or bring our family joy because my kid’s having a happy childhood in big moments is important to me. When large extended family holiday gatherings became stifling and started to feel like everyone was attending out of obligation, we stopped going and did our own traditions instead and it brought so much more joy to us and the kids. It actually feels like a holiday and not just a day of obligations and exhaustion. 

So again, don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to carve your own path. If people don’t like it, who cares – it’s not their life.