Honestly, just typing out that title got me in the feels because while I’m qualified to write this post it still seems unreal that I have two teenagers in my household, one who will be graduating high school next year and the other who will be driving in just a few months. All the sayings like, “Blink and you’ll miss it. Time is a thief” and “It goes by so fast;” are all dreadfully and chaotically true. 

Every stage of my kids growing up has been my favorite but there really is something special about the teenage years. Yes, they’re hard, they’re messy and you swing from one mood to the next faster than the speed of light, but there’s also this deep bond that I think is forged in teenagehood that will serve you and your kid for the rest of their life. I truly believe that it’s in the years between 13-18 that you really set the tone for how your relationship will evolve throughout the rest of your collective lives, good or bad. 

Have I done this perfectly? Nope. 

Would I  cringe at some of the things my kids would say I could do better? Absolutely.

But I also think that the raw and messy journey my sons and I have been on so far has allowed me to share some of my “rules” with you today in hopes that you can take some of my experience to enhance yours.

1. Teach them about consent early on, and circle back to the conversation often. Also, make sure that in these conversations about respecting women and potential partners, you too are showing your son’s respect in your everyday life. They will be more likely to give it to others if it has been modeled to them. 
2. At age 13, pass on the responsibility of their laundry, bathroom cleaning, basic meals, etc. Not only will this serve your son well into adulthood but it also helps him enter future relationships as an equal partner who knows how to take on the household duties and contribute to the running of the household. Your future daughter or son-in-law will thank you. Trust me.
3. Say yes more than you say no. Save your no’s for the people outside of your household because the ones inside of it are the most important. You will never regret saying yes to more playtime with your son, or yes to a late-night conversation, or yes to one more battle in Fortnite. Someday they’ll be gone and you’ll wish you had said yes more often.
4. Pick your battles. You’ll want to comment on their clothes and their hairstyles and everything else but save it for your bestie. While I do think that teaching my sons about dressing well and presenting yourself well is important (and I do teach this) I have found that most of the time teenagers are choosing to dress a certain way or wear their hair a certain style because they are covering up insecurities. Show them you see them by supporting their choices and this will boost their confidence and let them know you have their back.
5. Be an active listener. When your teenage son wants to talk to you about anything, but especially his life, stop EVERYTHING and give him your full attention. I mean, this is just good manners for anyone but showing him that what he says is important and acknowledging him is a huge step in keeping those lines of communication open.
6. Remember details. It’s the little things that make all the difference. Remember the friend’s names, remember the teacher’s names, remember the struggles the one friend was having so you can check up on it later. This shows your kid that you’re invested and really do care about him and the people close to them and shows them that investing in other’s well-being is a good quality to have. 
7. Accept the smells and the mess, it’ll be aplenty. You can try to make your kids be clean and hygienic but it’s best you let them come to it on their own. Trust me it’ll save you a lot of stress. 
8. If you can, don’t use the same bathroom as your sons. You can rip everything out and enjoy it once they’re gone.
9. When they want to come and be near you, don’t make a huge deal about it because it will embarrass them. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and when it’s over tell them it was nice to hang with them and secretly do cartwheels inside because you’re winning at life.
10. Participate in the things they enjoy. If they love to watch football, watch it with them, and learn enough about the game that you can participate. Do fantasy with them, even if you have no idea what you’re doing. Ask them if they have any music suggestions, then actually listen to their favorite artists – even if you think it’s trash. These little things give you an open window into your kid allowing you to forge those bonds that will serve you forever. Don’t miss out on that opportunity.
11. Hearing sirens when your child is off driving a car by themselves, will never not give you heart palpitations. Prepare yourself now. 
12. Trust your son until he gives you a reason not to and even if/when he does make building that trust back a first priority.
13. Make yourself a priority so they can see what that looks like for them. Show them what it looks like to be healthy, to manage stress, and to ask for help. 
14. Show your messy. It’s okay to be human in front of your kids. Cry in front of them, lose your cool, be confused, and show them what it means to not know at all what you’re doing. They need to understand that being an adult doesn’t mean you’re perfect and have all the answers. This will allow them to feel less shame when they are adults knowing that what they feel is normal.
15. Don’t take everything so seriously and have some fun. Puberty can be a roller coaster with the body and hormonal changes. It’s okay to embrace it and make it light-hearted so they can relax about it too. One day they’ll come up all man arms and hairy legs and while your heart will want to break in two at how big they are, make a stupid mom joke about their armpit hair instead. Trust me, it takes the pressure off of everyone. 
16. The phone is not their friend. Do not helicopter them, and allow them their privacy but also have a pulse on what is going on on their phones – trust me on this one. 
17. Technology is great but your sons need their independence too. Location services do not need to be turned on 24/7. I only ask my son to turn them on when it’s winter weather outside and he is driving on potential icy roads. Otherwise, I allow him his freedom and trust that he is where he needs to be and making good decisions. No one wants to be monitored all the time, give your kids some space.
18. Allow your sons to problem solve. Instead of immediately giving advice and offering up solutions, ask your son, “What do you want to do?” “What feels like the right choice?” “How does this make you feel?” – all of these questions allow them to talk through and solve their own issues; something that will serve them well into adulthood.
19. Don’t take things personally. Your kids will say some pretty shitty things to you. Their anger, confusion, and pent up emotions will inevitably come out in big ways. Obviously, teach them respect but don’t take what they say personally. They don’t hate you, they don’t think you’re a terrible mom. If they did, they wouldn’t waste their time giving you big emotions at all. They’d ignore you all together. 
20. Create traditions that make them want to come home after they move out. Do something weekly, that is fun for everyone that will then be a standing date once they move out. No one wants to come back to a broken and dysfunctional home – give them fun things to look forward to so that you can still see them once they’re gone.
21. Your kid WILL MAKE mistakes and you need to accept that immediately. You are their safe space and the second you start judging and limiting everything, is the second they will rebel and keep things from you. Your kids need to know that they can call you no matter what and that you’ll help them without a single judgment or immediate consequence. While we are trying to figure out adulthood, they’re trying to figure out teenagehood and we are all just doing the best we can. Meet them where they are at and show them compassion and empathy. It’s so rare these days.
22. Take the picture. The picture of them, the picture of them with you (even if they’re frowning) – take a picture of the messy shoe pile, the unmade bed, the cluttered bedroom. Someday everything will be perfect and clean and smelling like a lavender garden and you’ll walk around your house feeling a little lost and longing for the days you’re living right now. 

The days are short, momma – even the hard ones. Soak it up, let the little things go, and enjoy every second.