Dear Reader, 

We are officially 4 months into the year that I had declared was going to be “my best year yet” “my comeback year” and “my year of peace.” However, I have realized that the Universe – well she’s got jokes because so far it’s been another year of absolute chaos, disasters, grief, mental hardships, and overall just a lot of bad mojo. 

Peace? Well, that’s been about as elusive as a Richard Simmons sighting.  Honestly, most days I catch myself stopping in my tracks and muttering, “Okay, but really what in the world is going on?”

So I have to ask: are you also feeling this insane portal of complete insanity we seem to be dwelling in right now? Please tell me it isn’t just me.

Now while I’ve just made it sound all doom and gloom, there have been a few highlights so for the sake of remaining on a positive wavelength – let’s start there.

NEW HAIR, NEW ME!

I had my hair appointment this month and we brightened things up just a little and brought some dimension into my hair. I’ve been rocking more of my natural color the past couple of years but it was starting to feel a little lifeless and too one-dimensional. You know when you wake up and you feel like your hair is wearing you instead of you wearing your hair? That’s basically where I was at. So we did just a few baby lights and I freaking love it. It was a subtle change that packed a big punch and just gives this smokey, sexy vibe I was after without completely going away from my natural tones. 

Needless to say, the smokiness is here to stay. 

TTPD

Another highlight of April? Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ve likely heard Taylor Swift dropped her latest album… and yes we are going to talk about it. 

I’m not sure I can consider myself a Swiftie because while I love her I’m not sure I match the intensity with which her Swifites rally around her so for the sake of this entry I’ll just call myself “a really big fan.”

So this “really big fan” is absolutely obsessed with TTPD. It’s raw, angry, honest and captivates a real life journey through heartbreak and finding new love. My favorite song has to be “But Daddy I Love Him” because it’s literally me and my husband’s story. I was halfway through the song, when I first listened and legit had this weird feeling of like “Was she there? Is she talking about me?” I mean the accuracy of how much it mirrors my story is uncanny and a wee bit creepy. So for that reason, it’s been on repeat in my house. 

I also am obsessing over So Long London. The threads of grief in that song are so relatable to how my year has gone. The undertones can be applied to not just a place but people, or memories, or a time in our life that we can no longer revert back to. We can all relate to that painful exit, that feeling of it really being over, and how parts of that place, those people, the memories are forever etched into our hearts – for good or bad. 

Other top songs are:

• LOML
• Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me
• The Manuscript

SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE

School is ending in 3 weeks and my household couldn’t be happier. It has been a painful struggle getting the kids through this school year. The level of burnout on all fronts is unreal and I’ve never seen it at this level with the kids before. 

Every morning is a harder and harder struggle since none of them want to go and most days they feel school is useless. May is always full of field days, field trips, state testing, and other end-of-the-year wrap-ups so it should go by quickly… if not chaotically. 

Next year I’ll have a senior and honestly, I’m not okay about it. It’s wild and truly unreal to even be able to say that. I’m sure there will be a lot more on that in the coming months. Eek! 

THE CURRENTS LIST

While we are on the subject of positives, I will go ahead and share my current read, watch, and shopping cart list. 

What I’m reading:

• What I Should’ve Said by Max Monroe (bring tissues)
• Dr. OB, Dr. ER & Dr. Neuro. A 3 book series also by Max Monroe. (yup, they’re as fun and predictable as they sound but worth the read if you need to just unplug for a while)
• Fiber Fueled by Will Bulsiewicz (if you’re focusing on health – this one is for you)

What I’m watching and recommend you do to:

• The New Look on Apple TV (finished) 
• Apples Never Fall on Peacock (finished)
• Manhunt on Apple TV (nearly finished)
• Palm Royale on Apple TV (just started)
• Full Swing on Netflix (one season in)

What I purchased from my shopping cart:

• Bubble Umbrella – I’ve legit never purchased an umbrella in my adult life (don’t ask me why) and with the crazy rain lately, it was time.
• Liquid Elf Eye Shadows – Finally something that’s actually worth the hype. Best news, they’re super budget friendly.
• Molly Suds Laundry Detergent – This has been my go to for a while but I’m loving this new scent, especially for spring.
• Daily Electrolytes – I’ve had a couple “nearly passing out” episodes during my personal training sessions this month so I stocked up on the electrolytes and so far, so good. Bonus points: these are delicious and not powdery like some can be.

OKAY, NOW ONTO THE NOT SO FUN

April brought more mental anguish. Between numerous appointments for the kids, a heavy workload, things breaking in the house, cars breaking down, Covid recovery, and some personal upheaval – it’s just been a lot mentally. 

There have been numerous times this year that I’ve had this sinking feeling that people just have a problem with me just plainly existing. That my unwillingness to be the sweet doormat I’ve always been is somehow a threat to their survival… and honestly maybe it is. 

It’s just been one problem after another and sometimes when something is on life support for too long, the only thing that you can humanely do is disconnect it and let it go. 

2024 has been a year of showing me the relationships in my life that do depend on life support and how I need to stop going from room to room trying to save them. I’ve been the mediator, the peacekeeper, the fixer my whole life and I think at some point you do it at the sacrifice of all that you are. I think in some ways it has become part of my identity and a characteristic that is no longer serving anyone, especially me. 

But that can also be a hard and confusing realization to have. Pulling the plug is excruciating. Realizing you’ll just be misunderstood, lied about, and made to be the villain in other people’s stories isn’t easy to accept. It’s a process, with ups and downs and twists and turns, and at the end of the day, it’s a lot of grief. 

So I’m still in those stages of grief. Trying to find the right words, the right time, the right way to pull the plug, and on the flipside decide what is worthy of keeping alive and what isn’t. I’m sure it’s a decision my kids and hubs would like me to make sooner rather than later since they are probably quite tired of being my emotional support humans but in reality these things take time. They’re fluid, always changing, and never easy. I trust my gut through all things and know it will tell me when it’s time. 

Just know that if you’re going through a period of grief right now, you’re not alone. Trust yourself and trust that you know what is best in any situation and that it’s okay to choose you and your family above all else and that doesn’t make you selfish or petty or dramatic or wrong. It makes you strong and bold and willing to do something different than anyone did before you. You are changing future generations and that, my friend, takes courage.

Until next time,