There is something so profound about the ability to deeply understand the impactfulness of the “mhm” as a parent or lover/partner. In roles where we often want to fix, solve, change, nurture, and take all of the problems away it’s easy to get out of the practice of using the “mhm” and instead replace it with “How about this? Why don’t you do this? You should really consider this.” 

While most of us think that the deepest wisdom comes from sharing our experiences, the lessons we have learned, or the trials we have overcome we often don’t realize (or just forget) that the wisest thing we can usually do is remove our own egos completely and offer up a simple “mhm.”

Now this might make zero sense to you. You might wonder, “My job as a parent is to teach my children!” Yes, you are correct but as your children get older, the best thing you can do for them is to help them understand how to gain insight and learn their OWN lessons.  

I truly believe that what separates good parents from exceptional parents is the deep understanding that you are raising individuals, not carbon copies of yourself. 

Seems simple enough, right? 

Actually, it’s really not. 

When you understand that it is not your job to impose your beliefs and your values on your children but rather help them explore the values and beliefs that resonate with them the most – you truly step into pure selflessness involved in parenting, and trust me that can be REALLY hard. 

Because to let them come to their own conclusions and be their own people can be scary. You only want to protect your kids, keep them safe, cocoon them from the horrors of the world. But when you realize that the best thing you can do for your kid is to allow them out of that bubble of safety and explore the things, people, and systems that resonate with them – your relationship with them fundamentally deepens and changes – in all the best ways. 

Currently, my oldest is entering his senior year of high school so as you can imagine there are a lot of big life decisions coming up. 

First goal, let’s make it through senior year. 

Second goal, what comes next? College? Gap Year? Starting a business? Moving out? Taking time to figure it all out?

It’s a hectic time and can be overwhelming for everyone involved. Being on the precipice of your child, let alone your first baby, spreading their wings is riddled with emotions, some high and some low. Every day you’re cutting that cord a little more, excited for what is to come but also petrified of how much it will hurt when it’s completely severed. Will they be the same? Will you be the same? What will it all be like? 

The unknown is always a little scary, isn’t it?

As we have dove into his options, where he’s at mentally, and what he is feeling in these moments every instinct is to say, “Why don’t you do this?” or “Oh that’s not a good idea.” or the other hundreds of responses we put on our kids to “guide” them to the best decision aka guide them to what WE feel is the best decision. 

But I’ve tried to stay away from that with our son. I’ve tried to listen, be open to his ideas and visions, ask questions, and give him tips on how he can pursue or research that idea or vision – even when I think it’s not a great idea.

When he paints a pretty picture of how easy something might be, everything inside of my body wants to warn him to be more realistic, to think about things – but that’s when the art of the “mhm” comes into play.

So what is the “mhm?”

The “mhm” is you essentially biting your tongue and allowing your child to figure their own life out. To help them learn to stand on their own two feet and find their own pitfalls and successes. When we intervene with everything, sow doubt (even when we don’t mean to), or project our own life experiences onto our kids, we impact their decisions, and their own journeys and we instill fear and anxiety. We essentially tell them that we are the authority and the All Wise One instead of teaching them to trust their gut explicitly.

The “mhm” is permission for them to wholly trust and believe in themselves no matter what the outcome. A simple “mhm” instills confidence in them and tells them that you believe in them and trust them. 

Without having to say a thing, you’ve empowered your kid to fully soak into the journey of their own life and embrace everything that will come their way – the bad, the good, the ugly. It’s an affirmation that they CAN do it. They are armed with the tools to be able to learn from their mistakes, navigate the slip-ups, and turn them into successes.

This is what makes the mhm powerful. 

From the moment I have had kids my only mission has been to prepare them for life without me. I am not promised tomorrow, I am not promised 50 more years. What I am promised is right now, and I often ask myself what I can do right now to ensure that my kids would be okay if something happened to me. 

I don’t want them to become dependent on my “wisdom,” my advice or my teachings to make a good or right decision. I want them to realize that the only guidance system they ever need is inside of them and it will never, ever steer them wrong. 

To fulfill that mission I have to master the art of the “mhm” and learn that even when I get it wrong, I can wake up the next day and hold my tongue and allow them to be their own person and lead their own lives.

In my experience, the mhm” has been a gift, because it has allowed me the best sideline seat to watch and witness their journeys. I’m always here, they know that, but I also hope they feel empowered to run the race all on their own, knowing no matter if I’m there in person or someday only there in spirit – I am cheering them on the whole way.