Congratulations, you’ve made it to the teenage years! Or, should I say, buckle up, buttercup, because you’re in for one wild ride. As the parent of 2 teenagers, you know that it can be an incredibly rewarding and challenging experience. In this post, I’m sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned the hard way (you’re welcome) about raising teenagers. Get ready for some real talk about battles, the flare for drama, and everything in between.
Just because they need space, doesn’t mean they still don’t need you.
Most of us will experience a couple of years of our teenager huddled behind their closed bedroom door with only their giggling or sarcastic voice drifting through the cracks of the doorway. We will just have to assume they’re still breathing because it’s likely we will only see them when the dinner bell is rung. Our instinct is to always be checking on them and in their space, hovering like momma bears – but truly giving teenagers space to do their own things is really important for their development. It’s also massively important for the relationship between us and our kids. Personally, I think one of the most valuable gifts you can give a child is to show them that they are their own person, with their own lives, living out their own mistakes and triumphs but that no matter what YOU will always be there. Your kid wants freedom to be their own person, but the safety and security to have the support they will need. I mean, isn’t this what we ALL want – even in adulthood? I firmly believe that this boundary and this support is showcased in teenagehood when your child is starting the process of becoming their own person who no longer really needs you for their everyday survival. So give them space, but keep your door open because I promise you they’re still going to come to you for advice, for laughs and want to share their day with you because you’ve given them space to do it on THEIR terms.
Teens are usually willing to open up about most things but they need a safe space to do that.
Something I implemented with my kids a long time ago was a private journal between mother and son. I bought them each their own journal and I said that it was their safe space to say and talk about whatever was on their mind at any given time. The only rule was that nothing in the book will ever be talked about out loud or in person (unless they ask for it to be) and unless it is something that will cause harm to them or others I will not get involved in the situation. They can write something, then bring it up and place it on my nightstand, I’ll read it and then write back and place it back on their nightstand. We never have to speak about it in person. My kids feel safe writing it down, the act of writing itself allows them to process their thoughts and emotions around the situation and they know they aren’t going to get in trouble or suffer consequences which often keeps them from opening up in the first place. Teens naturally stop sharing a lot of their lives as they get older and I just always wanted to provide my kids a way to share important things with me, without fear of consequence, so that I could support them in any way that I can. I highly recommend this to all parents – even if you don’t have teens yet – it’s great for younger kids too.
Teenagers = Battles – pick them wisely.
This may sound cliche but truly I would give this advice at any stage of parenting but especially during the teenage years. Part of creating humans that will become fabulous adults is going through the “cord cutting” phase. I’m sure there is a real scientific term for this phase but I call it the “cord cutting” phase – so let’s just go with it. The entire point of parenting is to raise humans that can live and function without you. Every year they get older is one more year they depend on you less. This is a roller coaster for any parent because letting go is the absolute hardest thing you will ever do, but it’s necessary. Teenagers need us less which leads to a lot of battles for independence, freedom etc. They are truly becoming their own people with their own thoughts and opinions and this can cause friction. But unless you want to spend your entire life in heated battles, yelling matches, and perpetual stress – darling, pick your battles. Save your energy for the really big things – because there will be big things and let the smaller stuff go. Humans often learn the hard way and if we keep our kids from experiencing anything hard then they’ll never learn. Allow them to learn how to tune in with their own compasses and you just focus on the really big and painful things – because that is when they’ll need you the most – trust me.
Use the sandwich method
As parent’s it seems to be the most natural thing in the world to constantly harp on all the things our kids are doing wrong. I mean, we are only human and we can only handle so many messes, dirty clothes, toothpaste spattered mirrors, foot funk, disobedience, talking back and the host of other things that come with parenting. I mean just to get my kids to eat a veggie and take a shower can often feel like I’m starting World War 3. But what tends to happen over time is that all our kids are hearing all the things they are doing wrong and they are met with silence over all the things they’re doing right. This is where I like to use the sandwich method. Whenever I go to point out something my kids need to do better I try to sandwich it between two things they’ve done right. (I say try because I am so not perfect and don’t always remember to do this) This looks like Positive thing -> thing they need to improve -> positive thing. This may sound really new agey and woke but when I do remember to use this method I’m met with much less resistance, arguing and dramatics. Trust me, there are a lot of dramatics in your future. This also helps them understand that I see all the things they do well but that there is always room for improvement and growth. I want my kids to always realize they can grow in any situation and this is one way I can help them make this a habit.
Listen, always
This is the hardest one. You want to protect your baby, you want to keep them from all the bad in the world but you do so at the expense of your child. It’s a selfish pursuit because ultimately we just want to stop our own hurt and sadness at seeing our kids struggle. Parenting isn’t about us, it’s about our children. So realize that sometimes your teen just wants to talk. They just want to work something out in their own minds, verbally and you are the safe person, the safe space. Simmer in that moment that they are opening up to you and feel so grateful that you’ve provided that space for them and just listen. Before giving advice or counsel ask them if they want you too and then accept whatever answer they give. You’re not only helping your kid, you’re teaching them how to be effective communicators which will serve them well in all of their future relationships. Remember, you have two ears and one mouth. Listen, listen, listen.
Don’t take things personally but also be open with them emotionally
While you can be your teens safe space you can also end up being your teens punching bag. It’s a finicky balance. There is no one that can hurt you more than your own child and so buckle up. My biggest lesson that I’ve learned is to not take things personally. Teens can be impulsive, lack judgment and go from 0-60 in less than one second so they will often say things and shout things that hurt you but aren’t really meant to be vindictive or personal. Trust me, they’ll FEEL personal but they aren’t. This is where picking the battles often comes in as well. I will choose to not take things personally but once a situation has calmed down or some time has passed (like a few hours or one day) I will approach my teen and just say, “hey that thing you said hurt my feelings. I’m not mad or anything but I wanted to let you know that sometimes what you say in anger does hurt me.” Sometimes this will lead to more fighting but honestly it’s important for them to start understanding how to control their impulses during anger and arguments. Another life lesson that will serve them well.
Ask them about life – these will be some of the greatest convos you’ll ever have
Your teenager has an opinion and viewpoint on life that you never will. One, because you aren’t them but two because they’re living in a different time than when you grew up. So ask them about it, let them share – even if they disagree with you on some subjects. It’s fascinating to watch your kid become an adult and this can be such a fun thing to witness and honestly you will learn a hell of a lot about life along the way.
Encourage their own life path – not yours
We all have hopes and dreams for our children but our kids are their own people and will have their own hopes and dreams and wishes. Our challenge is to allow them to pursue their dreams, even if they aren’t what we would have chosen, and support them no matter what. Pushing your kids into anything, for selfish reasons, rarely works out well.
Stay involved – even when they ask you not to be
Teens will often act like they don’t want to be caught dead in your presence. I mean we are the ultimate embarrassment sometimes, but again don’t take it personally – you’re not alone. However, showing up to their activities, life events, workplace and other important events shows that you do care. That you support them, no matter what. They will see how proud you are of them and this goes such a long way in raising confident, powerful kids.
You’ll always love your teen – but not always like them
Your teen will disappoint you. They’ll make decisions that will hurt, they’ll make mistakes and sometimes you’ll be scratching your head wondering “how did we get here?” Not everything will make sense but growth rarely does. You also may not always like your kid. They’re attitudes, they’re disrespect, they’re nonchalance and lack of caring will grate on the strongest of nerves and guess what – you don’t have to like them all the time. That isn’t the sign of a good parent. You just have to love them and show them what it means to be love, feel love and give love – even when people disappoint you. That is the greatest gift you can ever give them.
In the end, raising teenagers is a wild ride full of ups, downs, and everything in between. But with these lessons in your back pocket, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the teenage years with grace, humor, and maybe even a little bit of sanity. Remember, you’ve got this, mama!
